Amen!

So, Zora is becoming quite a wordsmith, and quite a conversationalist. It is quite amazing to see and hear her try to join our conversations. As Mark and I talk and chat, she'll be toddling around and she'll repeat sometimes every 4th or 5th word she hears in our conversation. It's amazing. She is absolutely part of the conversation-----as we stop talking and laugh and acknowledge her so-very-articulate attempts to join us. It makes me wonder how her brain decides which words to repeat---are they the ones that sound most interesting, the easiest ones, the ones she's heard multiple times, or are they the words with some type of emphasis or importance in the sentence? I'm not sure even an expert linguist knows the answer.

Well, so this weekend, Zora got to go to her first wedding. It was a beautiful wedding on the coast of California, the wedding of dear girlfriends Julie and Michelle----an absolutely amazing union of two women. In their Jewish tradition, there are 7 blessings that close out the ceremony. And Julie and Michelle added one last blessing of their own at the end for MARRIAGE EQUALITY. When that final blessing was read, the officiant said, "And the people say Amen." It was an outdoor wedding and Zora was poking around far far in the back of the ceremony looking at flowers with her Papa while I stood a bit closer so I could see and hear the ritual. At that moment, from behind me, I heard Zora's voice shout, "Amen!" You go, Zora! Makes me think there is perhaps a good bit of wisdom in the words she chooses to repeat.....

Beautiful! Happy! Julie and Michelle!

Mama and Zora at the wedding. 

Mama hanging out with girlfriend Sarai. 

A Year in the Life of Zora Gloria

Hola, Zora!

I am writing to you while you nap. Time for writing is precious. I have so much to say---just as you do! At 13 months, you have such an eloquent voice! They say that children will emphasize different areas of development at this age---one child may be very very mobile and not necessarily be very interested in talking. Or another child may have exquisite fine motor skills but have very little interest in walking yet. As your head-over-heels parent, I think you are perfect in every aspect, yet you are definitely emphasizing your joy in communicating. Over the past couple months, Papa and I had been recording your words in a journal, but there are just so many new ones every day, that I admit we've stopped recording. A few weeks ago, your word count was around 70 words, and that didn't count the words you know in sign language and the words you know in Spanish (LeyLey, your nanny, who you spend 4 days a week with, talks to you only in Spanish, so by now you definitely know more Spanish than I do) . My point is, you are FUN (one of your new favorite words) and you are talking up a storm with us---with enthusiasm, with emphatic tone when necessary (you get that from Papa), and with sweetness.

And a year has passed since you and I "gritted and graced" our way through Laborland. From Laborland into Zoraland. It is mind-boggling that it has been a year. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. And the best thing I've ever done. In our "yearly letter" we sent out to friends and family at the New Year, I realized my theme was "tired and happy". It has been tiring most certainly. And we are happy. You really are pretty much pure joy, Zora. Even when we are tired beyond tired, even when we don't quite know what you want or what you are trying to do or say, even when you fuss and are in pain from cutting molars and cry much of the night, I want you to know that you are a joy to your Papa and I. We are so happy to be sharing the world with you. The three of us are laughing together daily. Laughing and smiling and learning learning learning. It is so amazing to watch you learn and explore. This journey to bring you into the world and share with you all that we know and all that we are--it is a gift I would not trade for millions upon millions of dollars.

I write to you with the hope that I can share a glimpse of who you are--that you can look back and see baby Zora.

Who is Zora Gloria in her first year?

Zora, you are really sweet. One of your favorite words acquired in the past month or so is "baby". You also know the sign for baby which is to pretend to cradle a baby in your arms and rock it back and forth. Sometimes you will come and set yourself in my lap and snuggle in and say in a gentle tone "baby" so that I will rock you like the sign for baby. And you have come to strongly associate a soft fleece blanket with sleeping and napping so that sometimes, if that blanket is in the middle of the living room floor, you walk over to it, bring yourself down to the floor, press your face into the blanket and just lay there and cuddle, whether it's naptime or not. And you've also come to associate the phrase "kisses from Mama" or "kisses from Papa" with leaning your head in close to facilitate the smooches---sometimes if we are sitting in close together with you on my lap, you don't even wait for one of us to say the "kisses...."---so much so that you've caught me off guard and I end up with a mouthful of your forehead before I realize what you are wanting! There is a softness to your way of being, Zora. You are sweet.

Zora, you are also quite enthusiastic. Another word you've acquired in the past few weeks is "outside"----you say "thside!" And you say it loud. And you say it with a certain demand. You really really like to go outside. One day last week you woke from a nap and when I came into the room to see you sitting up in your crib, you smiled and shouted, "TH-SIDE!" Yes, Zora! We got hats and sunglasses and sunscreen and headed outSIDE!

Zora, you are silly. The nature-nurture debate aside, we owe some credit to LeyLey, your nanny, for your love of silliness and laughter. LeyLey is about as fun as they come. She is silly with you and you seem to thrive on the laughter that the two of you share. I could be jealous of all of the fun that the two of you have when I am away at work 4 days a week, but that would be a big waste of time and energy. I am so grateful that you have such a joyful playmate. A recent fun game that the two of you play is "Whoa!". This amounts to one of you pretending to fall backward---usually with your back against the couch---- and saying "Whooooaaaaa!" and then giggling like crazy. At this point, you initiate this "game" with Mama and Papa regularly----going over to the couch, leaning way back and throwing your head back, and saying "whoa" and waiting for Mama or Papa to join you. Fun fun, Zora, you are FUN!

Zora, your sleep has been all over the map. In your first few months, your Papa and I thought we'd hit the jackpot with infant sleep. You slept 6 to 8 hour stretches by the time you were only 6 weeks old. That continued into the 3 to 4 month range and we were even getting 10 hour stretches at that point. Then in the fall, those luxurious long stretches became less reliable. By December, we were a bit "disoriented". We were still holding to the idea that you were a great sleeper, but in fact, sleep was hard! You would wake up a lot throughout the night. All hell broke loose when we traveled to the east coast over the holidays. We all slept horribly! And when we returned home in January, yuck--total sleep disruption for weeks and weeks. Your Mama and Papa were grumpy, Zora. I recall that when you were born, one of our friends (who now has adult children) amicably said "And thus commences a year of no sleep!" At the time, I remember Papa being a bit defiant and saying that we would get a good sleeper---he is an optimist in all the best ways. But by January, we were starting to see that indeed, the first year with a baby is a year of no sleep. January through April were 4 months of you getting cold after cold after cold. This meant fairly constant coughing. This meant fairly constantly disturbed sleep. This meant Mama and Papa trading off being the one to sleep in your room so that at least one of would get some sleep. Hard times! And don't forget that I started this entry by saying "tired and happy"---because as much as we wish we got better sleep, when we wake up in the morning and you grin your wide grin and the first thing you say is "Walk, walk, walk!" (meaning get me out of this crib so I can grab your fingers and practice walking!), it turns immediately from a bleary-eyed morning to a fun morning. Tired and happy. Here we are now in June. Sleep is just starting to become less interrupted (Knock on wood, please!) Developmental experts suggest that when major milestones are accomplished, sleep settles into better patterns. With you having become an official "walker" in the past couple weeks, your Papa and I are hoping we are moving toward better sleep! And with that, I think it sounds like your nap is over....


Here's a little visual walk through the past 6 months with you....

Here is your adorable grin when you were about 5 months old.

Here you are with your Baba---having a joyous month of November when she came to take care of you!

Here you are, happy in your Nana's arms, at about 7 months when she came to take care of you for December.

Here you are at about 6 months old coming to terms with the weight of your 99 percentile-sized noggin. 

Remember when we were staying with Kate in Boston over the winter holidays? You were almost 8 months old. We got locked out of Kate's apartment and here we are---hanging out in the stinky entryway for about 3 hours until a locksmith showed up and totally tried to rip us off. Yeah, that was really funny, Zora. 

All I can say is, LeyLey is fun. Here you are "wearing" her hair. 

And here the two of you are again. I know you look a little zoned out in this picture---must be because of all of the fun you've been having up until we got out the camera....! Here you are about 9 months old. 

9 months. Food is fun!

10 months. Out walking with Mama. Behind us are your mountains,  Zora. 

It's pretty easy to love you, Zora. 

These eyes! This was your first overnight camping/climbing trip. We went to Shelf Road with Sarah and David. You were about 10 months old. 

I wish I could say your sleep is always so peaceful This was when we were camping at Shelf Road---Zora sleeping in the Taj Mahal tent of Lisa. 

Almost one year. Laughing with Papa. 

This is at your 1 year birthday party---it was a couple weeks early so that we could celebrate it with Nana and Grampa Lockman who were visiting in late April. Here you are with "your Lisa". Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!!!!

One year birthday party. 

Almost a year old---hanging out on Pearl Street with Grampa. 

More luxurious "outside sleep". Here you are in your PacknPlay at a climbing crag in Boulder Canyon. This was just a few weeks ago---you are just over a year old here. 

That same climbing day--somewhere in Boulder Canyon. 

And here---a favorite spot indeed---the swamp across the street.

 Zora Gloria, I love you.

Nana December

Zora Zora My Zora. This is what Papa and I often call you. Zora Zora My Zora. I like to sing it.

Well, I'd like to back-track again and say a little bit about last December--even though it is April and you will be 1 year old next month!

What I want to say about December is that your Nana loves you. As described earlier, our original nanny plan fell through, but I still really needed to go back to work in November. As your Papa and I pieced together a plan for people to take care of you while we looked for a nanny for you, your Nana Lockman agreed to be part of the grand plan. Here's the especially sweet part of it, Zora. Nana had her hip replaced in July. This was a really big deal. It was not an easy surgery at all and the recovery, as determined as your Nana is, was pretty grueling. I talked to her on the phone a lot in July and August and September, and there were some pretty rough days--days of wondering if she'd ever feel better and if she'd ever be able to walk normally again.

Around October, when I asked Nana if she thought she could come take care of you for a few weeks in December, she still walked with a cane and had a very hard time with the daily basics of living. And she said, "Yes, get me a ticket. I want to come." And then, as Nana and I talked over the coming weeks, she got more and more motivated to get better so that she could be there for you in December. One day she called me up and told me that she was walking around her house that day carrying a heavy potted plant everywhere she went to simulate what it would be like to have to carry you around. Boy, do I wish I had a picture of that to post here!

So, the grandmas of our family really came to the rescue for you and me in November and December. It was lovely to see how they poured love in to you and how you delighted in being the object of their adoration. We are fortunate indeed! Here are some pictures of you with your Nana, from her December visit to us and then some more from our visit to her a week later for the winter holidays.

These pictures are taken in our backyard when Nana came to stay for a few weeks in December. 

What? MORE kisses? 

This was in Maine over the holidays. You seem to be letting Nana smell your  toes. 

When we visited Maine in December, Nana decided it was time to begin your "crawling boot camp". It was about another 6 weeks before you got up on your hands and knees and crawled. 

Baba November

Zora,

Keeping up with the telling of your story is hard! Days are full now that I am back at work and it feels as if there is hardly a moment to do anything such as write here in this blog. In choosing between being WITH you or writing ABOUT you, the choice is clear. So, it's been weeks and weeks since I wrote. I started this entry long ago---it is the story of how we spent November----and am just now finishing it weeks and weeks later.

Zora, as I travel through this life, it is clear to me that families, are, well, pretty full of contradiction. Families have imperfections-----there are some characters you might like a whole lot and then some characters that you'd prefer not to have as neighbors! As I think about the familial "container" that you'll grow up in, my hope and intention is that you grow to love us, your Mama and Papa, and that you grow to love your extended family, as contradictory and imperfect as it is. And my intention is also to be honest with you, as much as is appropriate for each age and stage that you pass through, about who's who in this family. What do I mean, Zora? I mean, let's let love abound. And, at the same time, let us practice acceptance (humor may be necessary along the way!) about what might not be ideal in the family story.

Here's what I'm really trying to say: the narrative that I want to share with you about family is that you, Zora, are surrounded by love. Example? Baba November......

Our first "nanny plan" fell through. I was scheduled to return to work in October, but the situation we'd mapped out ---to share a nanny with another family---did not work. Not at all! While it was momentarily stressful for Papa and I to figure out what to do, you, my little Zora, were blessed to have a very loving grandmother step in to save the day. She came for the WHOLE month of November to be your nanny. (Actually, you have TWO loving grandmothers who stepped in to save the day.....Baba November was followed by Nana December!)

Zora, Baba loves you. She loves you very much.

At 6 months of age, it was pretty intensive work to take care of you. You were learning to be a bit more self-sufficient, but taking care of you was really a very very full-time endeavor. You liked to have constant companionship and attention. You were learning to sit up without help. You made gobs of adorable noises. You loved to reach and grab and explore. You were learning to eat solid food. You were beginning to love music and books. You loved to be held, to go out for walks, and you were a good sleeper, though it was still a good bit of work sometimes to coax you into your naps. Your Baba, who loves you beyond words, did all of these things with you and for you for all of November. What a gift. What a gift to have the two of you get to know each other so well. What a win-win-win situation! Baba got to reside in Zoraland, Mama got to go back to work and not worry about her precious Zora, and Zora got to soak up the bountiful love of her Baba.

Like everyone, we have some imperfections in the family mix. This, however, has been an exquisite moment in Zoraland. Baba November. We will not forget it.

What I Love

I'd like to share with you some of the things I love about you, Zora.

I love how you seem to dance with shimmering leaves. Papa and I are both delighted that you seem to find the outdoors magical! I have sat under a tree with you looking up and you are mesmerized by leaves moving in the wind. You are able to sit and just be completely blissful, transfixed, delighted, by leaves. Your eyes sparkle. You wiggle with glee.....over leaves! Papa loves to just go outside with you, just walk out the door, even if we only have a few minutes, and take you on a tour of the nearby bushes, leaves, grass. He likes to lay in the grass with you. You like it too! You are learning to grab the grass, pull it, and put it....in....your....mouth. Yum! This beautiful world is just delicious to you! I love this about you. It gives me "beginners eyes" once again for the beauty of the earth.

I love how you like to hang upside down. Now, this one is complicated---I'll have to write more about this later, because this whole upside-down thing has some threads back to our difficult birth. But still, you seem to default at times to throwing your head backward and just hanging with that big 99th percentile head of yours over a pillow, lap, whatever. You look like you are having fun! Whenever you finish eating at what I call the "Boppy Lounge", you always seem to slide your way to the edge of the boppy (breastfeeding) pillow and let your head dangle over the edge. Maybe it helps with digestion? Not sure, but you like upside down and it's just very sweet to be seeing you begin to have some preferences. Maybe you'll be a trapeze artist, Zora.

I love how you need to be part of any conversation, even if it means turning away from a good meal of breastmilk. I know that this is common developmentally for your age---for a baby to begin to have more and more interest in the world. But we are definitely seeing a very very curious girl emerging! Lately I cannot get you to eat (and at times when you ought to be HUNGRY!) if there is something a bit more interesting happening. If Papa walks in to the room and wants to chat with me, forget it, mealtime for Zora is over! You want to see him, hear him, converse with him. It is pretty adorable how you get riveted by a voice, a sound, light, wind. You need to look! You need to see what's going on! Papa and I are both reminded of how Papa decided to re-frame your (challenging!) birth position in a positive light-------that trying to come out face-first just meant you wanted to see what was going on! 

I love how you are so easily pleased by playful singing. If we had to ask you right now how to describe life, and if you could talk, I am confident that you would say, "Well, of course everyone knows that life is a song!" That's because we pretty much sing all the time. We sing about breastmilk, about diapers, about waking up, about going to sleep, about playing, about trees, about the sky, about everything. And why do we do this? Well, probably mostly because I myself like to sing, and I'm the mother you got, and secondly, because it always always makes you smile. Singing can deter you from any funk that you might be heading into. Some current favorites are Zip-a-dee-do-da, This Little Light of Mine, May the Longtime Sun, When the Day is Over, and any other thing I happen to make up to try to stave off an urge to fuss or cry. 

I love how you want to engage with the world. Not sure if we can determine a tendency toward introvert or extrovert at this early stage in your life, but I would say that you really like to focus outward and see what is going on around you. I see this when we go to our Music Together class once a week. The teacher said that often at your age, Zora, the mama and baby face each other and enjoy the singing together. Well, in fact, you really seem to prefer to sit in my lap and face outward so that you can see all the other bigger kids dancing around. And you delight in them! I'm thinking that you'll be pretty psyched once you are up and moving so you can be part of the fun.

I love how much you smile and laugh. That's it. I love it. Your laugh is simply wonderful. Your smile is pure joy. 

I love how you study details. It is so fun to hand you an object and watch you study it with your eyes and with your hands. You seem to be so attentive, so curious, so fascinated with a new object. Lots of times the object goes straight to mouth, but you are also very interested in looking at things and you seem to really notice details. 

I love how much you like to use your hands and fingers. I love to watch your little fingers grab, grasp, explore. I'm surprised with how much dexterity you have with those little hands of yours! You are getting so good at turning the pages of your books, at picking up blocks, as grabbing for small edges and frills or strings on stuffed animals and other plushy objects.

Reading a book with Baba.

Table time with blocks.

I love how you are learning to ease yourself to sleep with softness. Over the past few weeks, you have shown us that you can start to get yourself to sleep with less help from Mama or Papa if we'll just make sure you have a very very soft blanket that you can massage with you hands and smush into your face and eyes. 

I love how much you put effort into your movements. You've been rolling from your back to your  belly for quite a while now, almost 2 months. Watching your efforts is so fun for me and your Papa. There is often a lot of grunting involved! And you are just starting to get your legs up under your knees (precursor to crawling!), making me apprehensive about how soon our house is going to need to be MUCH more baby-safe (for a baby on the move!) than it is right now. You show great effort! I think of Yoda---"Try?! There is no 'try'. Do or do not!" You have a determination about you that I look forward to seeing evolve in you in the years to come. 

I love your recent squeals of joy. Wow! You know how to raise the roof! Not sure what is bigger, your smile as you squeal or the sound you are learning to make with those healthy lungs!

I love your intense ability to draw me and your Papa to you-----these sophisticated attachment behaviors that have us constantly turning ourselves toward you. I swear you can get our attention by simply staring at us, even if one of us has our back turned toward you. I think you learned this from Teacup. She could get our attention just by staring really hard, not making a sound. She pulled us in and made us delighted and happy at how much she just wanted us, wanted our attention, wanted to commune with us. And you too. You have us, Zora. We are yours! You have changed our lives forever. Now, more than ever before, there is nothing more important than attending to relationship. Email can wait. Blogging can wait. Cooking dinner can wait. Eating dinner can wait. Cleaning can definitely wait. Zora cannot wait. For now, you are the center of our universe. You are very very good at placing yourself at that center---with a smile, a hoot, a squeal, or just those sweet longing eyes. 

I love how you are teaching your Papa and I to truly practice relationship endeavors that we have ascribed to for years and years. Here's an example. Papa and I have talked about the importance of hellos and goodbyes for our own attachment to one another----the importance of acknowledging and greeting one another---basically just connecting rather than mindlessly going through our days. And we've done a decent job, but we falter. There have been times when one of us might come home and hardly even say hello to the other before jumping right in to busy-ness, be it email, studying, phone calls, cleaning, exercising, all of the things....that....keep us from being connected. Ugh. Now, Zora, with you here, we are rising to meet you. We are seeing that so many of the ways that we want to connect as best friends, your Papa and I, are ways that we want you to experience the world. Clinical research tells us that while the parent-infant relationship is one of the most important "blueprints" for how a child will act in relationship for the rest of their life, the other most important blueprint is the relationship that the child witnesses in their family------whatever version of "mama and papa" that you happen to be born into. And so your Mama and Papa are looking at all of these ideals we have about how we want to treat one another and we are saying, "Wow, it's time to walk our talk!" And so there is perhaps just a bit more intentional loving going on between your Papa and I now that we know that we are the "container" that will be your blueprint for what love looks like. Wow, Zora, what a gift you are to us! More affection, more intention, more love. We are setting aside time for meals with more intention---putting away the laptops, lighting a candle, singing a "grace", enjoying each other's company! We are balancing our conversations more intentionally so that you will see that "girls talk too" (hmmmm.....need I share here that Papa usually talks a lot more than Mama if we're not careful about it!?). We are pausing and making time for hello and goodbye. We are just a little bit more present, Zora. For you. For ourselves. I thank you deeply for that.

I love that you sleep through the night. I try not to bring this up around other new moms because it's such a rare gift to get from a little one like you---I know so many new parents who are really struggling with lack of sleep! Wow, and even with you being a fabulous sleeper, we are still tired a lot! So, Zora, I will thank you again and again for your ability to sleep. And I send a wish out that this will be a lifelong pattern for you. 

I could go on and on. Te amo. 

Firsts and Lasts; Births and Passings

Hello, Sweet Zora.

Time is truly flying. You will be four months old this week. A third of a year!

Te quiero. I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you. You are a delight of a little human. You have truly settled into what seems to be a Happy Baby. You could star in the film Happiest Baby on the Block. Some magical combination of your bright spirit, mine and Papa's good luck, and maybe a touch of kind and attentive parenting have resulted in weeks and weeks of sweetness these past couple months. Te quiero. You are a connected and sociable baby, impressing so many who have the pleasure of being graced by your wide and winning grin. Your smiling and laughing is abundant. And yes, you do cry, but never without good cause, and never without a fairly quick turn-around. May these first four months be a harbinger of a life of abundant laughter.

And still, I contemplate your fitful start--our laborious labor together 4 months ago. All through pregnancy I had built my committment to a labor as free from medical intervention as possible. I built this committment brick by brick, through reading, talking with other mamas, practicing yoga with doulas and midwives and mamas. I built this committment with intention through my knowledge of the risks that come with medical intervention, the fact that it has been shown that there is neurological benefit for an infant to experience the pressure of the birth canal, that there is neurological benefit to completing the biological impulse to push oneself out of the womb. I was scared of cesarean birth, not only because of the toll it would take on my body, but because of the loss it might mean for you of helping you to come into the world organized and regulated on a deep level.

And then we had labor. And it was long and hard. And you didn't get pushed out, Zora. You got lifted out. As I've said before, lifted out with love.

And so I have contemplated your fitful start. And wondered. And yes, I have worried. Would you, in some way, not be able to settle into life? Would there be some missing piece for you because of this difficult passage? So I went back to the concept of "effective worry" taken from Birthing From Within. And so, turning my worry into "effective worry",  we went to see a therapist whose specialty is perinatal work, somatic work, work around difficult births. And she was...............she was such a gift to me! And so, through that, a gift, I believe, to you, Zora. Suzanne is her name. She is trained in the same framework I am trained in--Somatic Experiencing. In our final session with her----you and I went to see her together----you laid on a soft table between me and her. We talked about the birth. We slowed the birth down to a pace that our bodies could digest. We slowed it down. We titrated the bits and pieces that had felt like too much, too soon, too fast. You chattered. You were there with us, talking it through, letting us know the parts that were frightening. I should know by now, with the many many times that I have seen this titration of stress and trauma unwind itself from people's bodies, that the Somatic Experiencing work is powerful. But here we were, you and I letting go of unfinished impulse---the impulse to give birth that got short-circuited by an emergency surgery. And when we reached the end of our recounting of the tale, you were asleep, perhaps the sweetest sleep I'd ever seen you have---and that is something, because your sleep is pretty much always sweet! And I write this all down before it slips away. I want you to know that the lifting of shadow was profound, that something moved in me and moved in you and I left Suzanne knowing that you are just fine, just fine, just fine. Happy Baby. Ready for this world. Pretty darn close to perfection in this mother's eyes! Te quiero.

And the fun of these past couple months has been the almost-daily "firsts". Your first time making certain noises, first time reaching out to grab a toy, first time laughing out loud, first time riding on an airplane, first time seeing chickens and cows on a farm, first first first! What fun! I just love watching you take in the world. It feels as if we are watching your brain grow right before us. When you first began to copy our motions to "Eensy Weensy Spider", you'd have thought that your Papa and I had seen God!! In our biased opinion, you are truly truly brilliant.

It has been a magical summer.

And it has been a summer of sadness too. Of not only firsts, but also lasts.

Zora, you will not have a clear verbal memory of our Teacup. But surely you will have an implicit memory of her sweet, smelly warmth.

Teacup, one of our two beloved four-leggeds who comprised our first family, passed away on Friday. Teacup was dear to us, Zora, as dear as a doggie companion can possibly be. She, like you, was a delightful being. We love her, we love her. Our hearts feel broken in letting her go. And as we saw her passing looming this past week, we counted many of her lasts. When I pulled her brush off  the shelf this week, I ached knowing it was probably the last time I would brush her. And her eating had become very sporadic this summer, so every time she managed to get a snack down this week, I wondered if that would be the last time we would commune with our Teacup. And on Friday,Teacup's last day on this earth,  you and Papa and I carried Teacup to the nearby pond for her last chance to put her nose into the wind and use that sniffer to soak in life the way a dog does. A week of "lasts" right beside some of your "firsts". This in itself feels so tender, so bittersweet, so non-sensical.

It feels like the beginning, or the end, no---the beginning, ------of an era. For most of the time that I've known your Papa, we have been the caretakers of dogs, Glory and Teacup. And now they have left us. And now you are here, my dear little Peach.Te quiero, te quiero, te quiero.Zora, I love you.

And I miss Teacup sorely. And there have been buckets of tears. Buckets and buckets.

Zora, will it seem strange to you when you are old enough to read (this blog???), to converse in more adult terms, to contemplate concepts and ideas and emotions, that your Papa and I will be forever grateful to two long-gone hounds for the lessons they gave us to prepare us for you? I hope you will understand. I hope that we can introduce you to your older sisters Glory and Teacup in a way that makes sense.

Today, in the raw days fresh with Teacup's passing, I don't want to have another dog. The joy of loving a dog is so tremendous----the sadness in experiencing their shorter lifespans feels manyfold! Zora, for now, my focus, my delight, is you, -----------you, who--------unlike the Teacups and Glorys of our lives---- will outlive me if all goes according to plan! I'm counting on it, Zora! Continue to smile and laugh and grow. I'll keep my loving eyes on you and continue delighting in your firsts, and all that follows.

Little Zora, here you are at Suzanne's office, sleeping away any residue of grief I might have been holding onto for you. You are peace. You are settled. You have come through this with strength. 

And here we are together. I too have come through this with strength. You and me both, sister!

And here is our Teacup, in her younger years, wearing her collar of daisies at mine and your Papa's wedding. 

8 weeks in Zoraland

Zora,

We rarely call you Peach these days. Just once in a while. And it actually is still a fitting name, as your head is covered with a fine fuzzy hair that is almost peach-colored. We usually call you Zora. Papa often calls you Zorazora. I like to call you Little Z once in a while.

I thought I'd write to you a little bit about impressions of your first weeks at home with us. Several friends have said "keep writing!"....mothers who know how quickly the time goes with their children....how quickly the details fade into the memory. Jacqui sent me some little notebooks----"write it down, write it down..." Baba-Keya also gave us some notebooks and journals. Yes, write it down before it fades away. In fact, much of these first 8 weeks already feels like a blur. Attribute it to being very tired. Or to the extreme similarity of day after day. Or to the necessity of amnesia of Newborn-Land so that the species survives. Yes, much of these first 8 weeks has been very hard!

You will know your birth story, so we can leave that be. I wrote about that last time. And we've been talking about it, you, me, Papa, over and over again, knitting it safely into the fabric of our family. It was a long long labor that resulted in your strong name, Zora.....

Zora was one of my favorite names. Papa and I had it narrowed down to about 5 names. Papa was not so sure about Zora for your name, but it had stayed on our list because I liked it a lot. So when you were born, we didn't name you right away. You were still our Little Peach for a couple of days. Then Papa said to me, "Zora. I like Zora. It's the strongest name on our list, and this little girl is strong. She handled that labor with the grit and grace of her Mama. I think I'm ready to name her Zora." And so, Laborland behind us, you were named Zora.

And then, after 5 days in the hospital, we all came home. It was a rainy day. I was still very very tired. And my belly was still very large due to air and fluids stuck inside me from the surgery. And I had a lot of pain. Papa drove very slowly on our way home. Our first car ride with you. Wow, parents we were. Would we forever drive this slow now that we have this precious being to care for?

When we got home, Lisa and Sarah greeted us, our labor team! They were at our house ready to welcome you yet again. Papa dashed about the house getting some things put away and getting us settled while Lisa and Sarah took some joy in holding you. Teacup was there too. I didn't get to greet Teacup the way I might have liked to had I been more well. Suddenly, for Teacup, our home had shifted 360 degrees. I wondered what it would be like for her.

I went up the stairs, very slowly. And I stayed there for about the next 10 days. Papa was our savior. He took care of you, me and Teacup with a lot of love and perseverence.

Week 1: Tired. Tired. Learning to nurse. We love you. We love you. We are head over heels. We are so tired and upside-down, and we are so pleased with every little move you make, every little sound, every little peep. Are you getting enough to eat? We did some crying, both you and me. Is she getting enough to eat? This is hard! Using the "Supplemental Nursing System" (SNS) to make sure you were getting enough to eat. What a difficult extra challenge to have to use this SNS.....how long will this go on???....a container of milk with a long tiny tube that attaches to Mama's nipple so that you get enough to eat as you learn to nurse. Papa even used the SNS on his finger sometimes just to get you to get used to sucking and getting food. Tired. Tired. Feeding about every 2 hours. Wondering how to help you. How to help you....sleep....eat....sleep....please sleep! Diapers. Papa and I trying to figure out these cloth diapers. They are huge on you. Diapers, oh, everything feels so overwhelming. So much work. Jeez, are we just going to use disposable after all that research on diapers???? Tired. Tired. My belly is still so huge and there is still a lot of pain. Not allowed to drive (where would I go?) because of all of the pain medication. Wow, I am depleted. Wrecked. And don't get me wrong, Peach. We love you so much. It's just that this body seems to be barely working. Pregnancy was blissful, mysterious, an adventure. Laborland was strange, challenging, even fun. But this post-partum thing,  it feels like wreckage. I wouldn't turn back, and yet how to heal feels beyond me. I am sure we will heal together, somehow! And I love you so much. So much.......and then I get a skin infection on my abdomen because of the "splash and crash" nature of the surgery---not prepping the patient sometimes leads to a skin infection afterward. More discomfort and difficulty in moving around. I hold you and tell you how immensely grateful we are that you are now in our arms.

Here you are,  Zora in our first few days home, rocking with Papa. 

Papa is feeding you,  Zora,  by SNS.....see the tiny tube running from the container pinned to Papa's shirt and then taped on to his finger  so that you can suck and get milk. 

Blurring into Week 2.....

We love you we love you. We are tired. My mother, Nana Debbie Lockman, is coming this week to help me. Wow, I had no idea I'd need her so much. "Mama, I need you. I am so tired and I'm afraid that I cry too much and I'm going to ruin Zora with all my crying." Papa is taking care of us, bringing food upstairs to me in my upstairs-post-surgery-confinement, washing the parts of the breast pump that we are using over and over and over and over and over, taking Teacup out, Teacup who can't really walk anymore. Papa has a lot to do! He loves you. He keeps saying, "She's adorable---let's keep her!" Yes, we're keeping you for sure. We want to help you to be able to cry less. That would be good for all of us! If we could get you used to the swing, or the bouncy chair....then, hmmm....maybe Mama's body wouldn't be so exhausted and we could all recover. Papa is so sweet about helping me stay determined to recover my body. He says we'll set "weekly milestones". This week we all go to the weight room and do a light workout. I work out with you on my chest in the Infantino Carrier. This feels good. And yet I have a long long long way to go to re-inhabit this body of mine. And we still cry, both you and I. This is hard. Are you a fussy baby? I cannot tell because I'm so tired and have so many hormones and have a lot of pain. I cannot tell which way is up. I just know you are my love, Zora, and we'll figure this all out. Wow, this is hard. 

Zora,  here you are about 2 weeks old. 

Happy you are, Zora, about 2 weeks old on the changing table-----turning out to be a favorite place to smile, laugh and be cute. 

And when did we ever get to Week 3?.....

Mama Nana Debbie is here. She rocks you and sings to you and I am struck by her love and wisdom. She just loves you so much and she makes it look easy to just keep rocking you no matter how much you cry. I look at her holding you. 38 years ago she was holding a baby in much the same way. That was me. Holy holy. This is holy. My Mama is here, taking care of me, again, after all these years. And you, Little Z, get to feel her love too. Nana always takes over in the morning because you and Papa and I don't sleep much at night. You go to Nana in the morning and I try to sleep for a couple hours before it's time to feed you again. And I feed you. And I pump more milk. Trying to get our milk supply really up and running, really flourishing. That's what the lactation nurses are telling me to do. Pump after every feed. Wow, this is pretty exhausting. And I'm worried that you are not getting enough to eat. Maybe I am not able to make enough milk for you. This makes me feel so sad. And I still have a good bit of pain. And tired. We are so tired, your Papa and I. Papa is a bit worried about me. I am really tired and I am still crying a lot and sometimes I don't know why. Thank goodness for grandmas and grandpas. Grandpa Lockman is here this week too, but for a shorter visit than Nana. This week we "graduate" to letting you use a "soothie"---a pacifier. We were told not to use if for the first month or so because it can "confuse" a breastfeeding baby and then you won't want Mama's nipples. It's called "nipple confusion". Well, you are not confused. You like breastfeeding and you like the soothie. And boy oh boy do WE like the soothie!!! Not sure if YOU graduated or WE did. Hope! This week I am walking about an hour a day with you in the Infantino. I walk very very very very slowly. You sleep. This is the sweetest thing ever. You, Zora, are the sweetest thing ever. Ever.

Zora, here you are about 3 weeks old. Little prayer. 

Mama and Zora--2 or 3 weeks--- in the Moby Wrap out and about at "Capture the Flag" hosted by Lisa.

 Zora, here you are smiling at Papa on the changing table. Zora, you are about 3 weeks old and just gracing us with your first precious smiles. 

Zora, here you are about 3 weeks old. Wow, those eyes!

When did we make it to Week 4?

Wow, a month old. A month in Zoraland. I could almost imagine getting the hang of this Zoraland thing. You are getting to be a very good eater. We got reassurance from the lactation department that we are on track. You are gaining weight well and we don't have to use the SNS and we don't have to pump ALL the time now---just once a day to keep stocking up on milk to freeze for later. We are still tired but maybe just maybe there is a light at the end of this Newborn Tunnel. You are sleeping a bit better. You seem to like the swing and nap better and better in it all the time. Thank goodness. And now that we are in the clear for "nipple confusion", Papa is giving you a bottle of pumped breastmilk in the middle of the night to help share the work of feeding you around the clock......And maybe we've got the hang of doing these cloth diapers finally. Ok, out with the disposables!......And are you a fussy baby? No, I don't think so. I think the fussiness in the first few weeks was as much related to my own exhaustion and depletion. I am recovering, and you are settling into your self. You are Zora, a very beautiful and happy baby.....And Papa is at work this week. We had his gentle presence for the first 3 weeks of your life. And now he's at work. We miss him. He comes home and sings to you......And one more thing about this week. You rolled over! It was a mistake, but you rolled over, just one day shy of 4 weeks. You were doing some tummy time and you lifted your head up, and the weight of that big baby head pulled you right over on to your back! What a look of surprise! Oh, and one more thing. Our "weekly milestone" this week was an almost-2-hour hike on Mesa Trail. Feels good to move more and Papa carried you the whole time, pointing out trees and birds and rocks. 

Zora, here you are with Papa on our "4 week milestone" hike on Mesa Trail. 

Proof that you really do cry, Zora. Here you are with Nana Lockman while she "bounces" you on the exercise ball. 

Week 5....

Baba-Keya is here this week, your other grandma. She is lovely. She adores you. And still, I need so much help. Baba, like Nana Lockman, takes over in the mornings so I can sleep. Yes, thank goodness for grandmas. Thank goodness for Babas. She rocks you and rocks you. She doesn't even put you in the swing sometimes even when you are asleep, because it's just too yummy to just hold you hold you hold you. And Auntie Kat is here too, and "Uncle" Anto. And Kat is enthralled with you----who wouldn't be? Kat visits as much as she can while still getting out to play in Boulder and Denver. Baba-Keya cooks a lot of food for us. I remind her that she is feeding you, Zora. If Mama is eating well, Zora is eating well. We are so blessed to have so much help. SO much help! Our beloved friend Chelsea organized a food calendar for us. We had delicious healthy food delivered from countless friends every other night for a full 6 weeks. Wow. I think we might have all starved....but we didn't! And so much other help and support. Girlfriends are coming over to take you for walks. We put you in the Infantino and away you go with them! I rest while you are out. And you get to be with other sweet friends.....and their faces and voices and smells. And Chelsea and Lynne both speak Spanish to you while you are out with them. What a gift! And now Ailish, Lisa's 13 year old daughter is also coming over a couple times a week to be my "mother's helper". She is so sweet with you. A real babysitting pro! You are beginning to love this big sister of yours..... Oh, and one more thing about this week. We took you bouldering this week. We went up Mt. Flagstaff. Papa bouldered, and you and I  and Baba rested in the fresh air......And then, was it this week?----your smiles just burst on to your face, Zora!! You have certainly been smiling a good bit for a couple weeks now, but now----now, your smiles are what we live for!!! And you giggle. The other night, I laid you in your bassinet and collapsed on the bed. And from your bassinet, I heard  a loud and distinct giggle. You made my day. Sleep giggles. How sweet. No, you didn't make my day. You made my life.......And what else did we do week 5? You went to your first concert. Ray Lamontagne at Red Rocks with Mark's summer coworkers. You were a delight. It's fun figuring out how to get out with you. 

Here you are, Zora, with your favorite big sister Ailish. 

Here you are, Zora at almost 5 weeks, sleeping under a pine on Flagstaff while Papa boulders and Mama and Baba-Keya enjoy being outside. 

Here Papa is showing you the rock he is bouldering on. 

And here you are at the Red Rocks concert. I wonder if you'll eventually like Ray LaMontagne someday.....

Zora, here you are with Baba-Keya.

And here you are with Auntie Kat.

And here we are together, Little Z!

Week 6....

Father's Day....rock-climbing in Boulder Canyon. It is so sweet to see you sleeping in your "baby in a bag" that Joan gave to us. What a beauty you are. And we are convinced that you love the outdoors because you just sleep so peacefully. You are smiling all the time. This is fun! You are fun! At home, we are settling into a clear routine. While you are in charge of the day, I feel that I can predict basically what we'll do together. You eat. That takes about 25 minutes. Then you hang out with me and smile and babble for about an hour. Then your eyes get glassy and your smiles turn into other funny (less happy) faces. And then I put you in a swaddle and bounce with you on the exercise ball for about 10 minutes and you fall asleep. And you sleep for about an hour. When Nana Lockman was here a few weeks ago, she and I coined this entire sequence---feed, hang out, sleep----- an "inning" ----even though I'm not much of a baseball fan. We have about 8 innings a day. A "good" inning involves a lot of smile time followed by a good nap. Usually in the last inning of the day I go for an hour walk and that's where you do your sleeping. I am so very grateful for a routine. And it's lovely. These are Astral Weeks, Peach. 

Zora, you like to look up. Papa loves this about you. I think he's whispering something about "5:13...."

6 weeks.....

6 weeks.....

6 weeks.....

Oh, and here we are again on Father's Day.....sleeping in the Phil and Ted's "baby bag"....

Peace. 

Week 7....

This week.....we went rock-climbing in Clear Creek Canyon with Mark and Claire. Again, sleeping peacefully to the sound of a roaring creek. And these days, our home routine continues to be a slow and gentle way to spend our days. We get out now, too. We sometimes go to appointments or visit other Mamas with babies. And we go to Lisa's house too. Lisa is in love with you like you are her own. She made a pact with Sarah to "spoil" you. Lisa helped bring you in to this world and she's sticking with you.  We will all remember this summer for the Zoratime we all spent at Lisa's.

And here you are, Zora, with dear Lisa, hanging out in her backyard hammock. 

Bright eyes of 7 weeks. 

You smile so much now. What joy you are!

And you have some very serious faces too. 

But mostly smiles....

Week 8....
I can hardly believe we've been hanging out for almost 2 months. Yesterday you had your first shots. It was so hard to see you cry so hard. And then you were not very happy for the rest of the day. And you didn't sleep well last night. And neither did Papa and I. You are a delight. You are beautiful. Alert. Talkative--more and more every day! Engaged--your eye contact is intense and sustained. Curious---you love to look and look and look. Loved. Loved. Loved. Sometimes I look at you in your bliss of being the center of the universe....how you sleep so peacefully, how you just melt into contentment as you finish feeding. I look into your face and somehow in that intersubjective circle, I long for that bliss too. And somehow, in giving it to you, I give it to myself. I get to have it too, this bliss, this contentment, this love. Repair. Of our labors and our losses and our loves. And so we heal. A baby, the hope and healing of the world.

Who doesn't love little toes? Ten fingers and ten toes. And like Auntie Katie and Uncle David hoped for  you.....wings. I see your wings, Peach. I see them, Angel Zora Peach. Ten fingers, ten toes, and wings. 

Sleeping at Clear Creek. Wow. Cheeks.