I love you, Towel Baby!

Peach,

Here's what Dr. Pei has been doing to get you to change and then maintain your position, Peach. I go for an hour of acupuncture. You seem to move closer and closer to a head-down position each time. To get you to maintain the new position, Dr. Pei rolls up towels and puts them alongside your body so that you won't go back to where you just were. The towels are held onto my abdomen with a very tight belly band. I am supposed to keep this tight belly band stuffed with towels on 24/7 for 2-3 days at a time---through the night! Now, if I thought the 3rd trimester of pregnancy was uncomfortable, try adding on this "towel baby" treatment! And if I thought it was getting harder and harder to breathe, try adding on this "towel baby" treatment! And if I thought bending over was just becoming a far-off memory of long ago, try adding on this "towel baby" treatment! And if I thought I moved past my feelings of self-consciosness about the shape of my body, try adding on this "towel treatment"---my belly is even more gigantic and now square and misshapen---like I had an affair with Sponge Bob Square Pants. And if I thought it was getting difficult to sleep, try adding on this "towel baby" treatment! Dr. Pei described to me how she first introduced this treatment to some colleagues when she first moved to the U.S. 20 years ago. They were thrilled and they deemed it "Towel Baby".

So, thankfully, seems like you are staying head down, Peach. Nice job. Good choice. Thank you! You don't seem to want to be straight up and down yet--you are preferring a bit of a diagonal position--makes me sing that Phish song about laying diagonal in my bed.... But Dr. Pei says no doctor will fuss about this. Let's hope so. We see a doctor for 36 week ultrasound on Wednesday morning. Even though Dr. Pei has been reassuring, I'd say I still have about 10% of my less-conscious brain doing intricate gymnastics over the possibility of navigating a breech birth.

Papa and I had a good talk. I was apprehensive in approaching the conversation, yet resolute, in stating my desire to go to Dr. Hall (he's one of the only doctors in Colorado who will facilitate a vaginal breech delivery) if you decided to go back to breech position. See, it'll cost a lot more money. But in the end, it's my body and your birth we're talking about, Peach. And the money will take care of itself. So, we have an appointment with Dr. Hall scheduled for next week--just as a back-up. If the ultrasound on Wednesday is satisfactory for our OBGYN team at Kaiser, then we'll cancel our appointment with Dr. Hall and stick with our plan. Stay head down, girlie, OK?

I have to praise Dr. Pei yet again. In our most recent visit with her, she palpated your home, my belly,  and "dopplered" your heart to more precisely assess your position. She declared that your head was at 5 o'clock and your bum was at 10:30. As she told me this, she exclaimed to you, Peach, "I love you, Baby!" This lovely 65 year old Chinese woman has been an invaluable source of reassurance for me throughout this "breech pathway" that we've cruised along together. I told her that she is a much better care provider than any of the doctors I've seen in 8 months of prenatal care. She became very serious and said, "Thank you."

Sleep has been really just awful lately. There is that 10% of my brain doing worrisome gymnastics and there's also this "towel treatment" with Dr. Pei. Weekends have become a time to catch up on sleep, lest I become a Zombie on Thursday and Friday of the workweek. It is a practice in letting go, because there are oh-so-many things I'd like to do and get done on the weekend. I suspect this is just the right practice for the letting go I'll keep doing as a parent.

It's been a while since we've done belly shots. Here's where you live, Peach. Livin' large.

35 weeks and 3 days 

As Mark snapped the camera, he says, "It looks fake."

Visualize "Head down, back to mama's tummy, chin tucked, hands on your heart!"

I love you, Towel Baby. Sleep or no sleep, I'll keep my chin up. You keep your head down.

Name That Bump

Peach,

I wonder if you like our new game---Name That Bump. As you practice your obviously-advanced yoga moves in there------Bird of Paradise, Five Pointed Star, Extended Dancer-------I am (a bit obsessively) trying to figure out which protrusion might be your head, your booty, your elbows. These bulges appear at different places all the time and with varying degrees of force. We are playing together already. What fun!

So, an ultrasound this morning showed that you were nicely nestled with your head down and to the left while your bum was up and to the right. That was reassuring for me. The nurse was great--far more engaged than the doctor we saw 2 weeks ago. She was interested in hearing about our acupuncturist and what the recommendations are. She encouraged the daily practice of spending time on my hands and elbows to give you more space to move around and to discourage you choosing breech and getting stuck there. The nurse also said that there seems to still be a lot of room in there (which matches with my own experience of thinking that my belly really looks and feels rather elephantine) and that this means that baby position can still vary a lot.  I'm still bewildered by the doctor's demeanor and his complete omission of any suggestions for working with baby-positioning 2 weeks ago. I am formulating a plan for feedback for the OBGYN department. In the meanwhile, Peach, we'll keep hanging out on hands and elbows and burning moxa on my pinky toes and going to Dr. Pei for balancing our Chi. And you can keep moving around, that's fine with me. But in the next couple weeks, I want to remind you that your head down is going to be the best  choice for you and me both. Like Rek said, headstands and handstands are hard, but you can do it. And she promises to take you on a rebellious adventure AFTER you're born, so no need to do that right now.

Turn, Turn, Turn

Peach,

I have a request. Please put your head down. We have but a few weeks left before you'll likely be too crammed in there to be able to turn around. So do it soon. Please do it soon. I'm doing my best not to worry and to just talk with you about it, calmly, reasonably. Please put your head down. At the ultrasound a week and a half ago, you were happily sitting with your butt down. Yes, we have time. But please put your head down.

There are good reasons for me to ask this of you, Peach.

There are amazingly few doctors in all of Colorado--is it 2?--who will deliver babies who are breech. In most instances, babies who present breech--head up and butt down--are delivered by cesarean birth. It has become standard practice in recent decades. As I've looked into this more, I have learned that it is not necessarily because vaginal deliveries of breech babies are truly more dangerous or complicated but rather because American medical schools are no longer training doctors to do them. What are medical schools training doctors to do? Cesarean deliveries. Hmmm, I don't like what I'm learning and I don't like having yet another reason to be skeptical of, and angry with, "western medicine".

What's so bad about cesarean delivery? Lots of people actually schedule cesarean deliveries believing it to be much simpler, perhaps less scary. I think very differently. I have been looking forward to the experience of labor, Peach. And as I sort through these feelings, I have come to know that it is not simply my own desire, my own wishes. Peach, I believe that labor will be better for both of us on so many levels. You know what I mean--I've been talking to you about it a lot in the past week.

Ok, but what about cesarean birth? I am breathing my way into acceptance that this might be necessary. But I still cry when I think about it. I'll get there if I have to, I promise you, Peach. Whatever way you come into this world, I will greet you with love.

But I am not ready yet. There is much to be done. We have a lot of talking still to do over the next few weeks, Peach. And we have a new song, a bit of a lilty-bluesy-song with the same words for all four lines---"Put your head down, Peach...."...over and over again.

At 32 weeks, a week and a half ago, we went for an "extra" ultrasound. This extra ultrasound was scheduled just to have a peak at this fibroid that doctors have been monitoring. Yes, fibroids are very common and usually cause little to no problems once a pregnancy is well-established. Doctors have just been checking in on us to see if it grows substantially, which fibroids can do during a pregnancy. No substantial growth---that's good. Yet, during the ultrasound, you had your butt down, Peach. I'm not really sure if this is how you are hanging out most of the time. My guess is no since you seem to move around so much! Nonetheless, the doctor doing the ultrasound speculated that maybe you don't want to put your head down because there isn't enough room because of this fibroid. Mark actually suggested (afterward, not to the doctor) that maybe the fibroid would make you *more* likely to put your head down since it might act like an extra pillow. Ok, maybe not. Yet the presentation of the doctor was speculative, without the evidence characteristic of his profession. And arrogant. And frustrating. And anxiety-provoking. He suggested that if at 36 weeks, if your head is not yet down, Peach, that we schedule a cesarean birth for sometime during week 39. I tried to talk to the doctor about breech presentation and what other things someone can do to promote a baby turning. He did *not* mention some interventions that I know are available--I had to bring those up. Such as External Version. We can try it if we need to. Doc also didn't mention that acupuncture has been shown in research to help babies turn. Doc also didn't mention helpful exercises that have been shown to help. No, he mentioned none of it. He simply said, "Oh, there's still hope [for a vaginal birth]. Just think positive thoughts and come back in 4 weeks." Good thing Papa Mark was there to help me make sense of the very crummy feelings I had on the drive home. There's still hope? How the doctor related to us was very frustrating and very out of touch with the process--physical and emotional---- he is meant to guide women and families through toward a happy and healthy birthing of a human being.

So the next day we were at the acupuncturist's office, Peach. And you danced for the whole hour that we spent on her table. She is sweet. Dr. Pei. She is an OBGYN in China. She's been here in the U.S. for 20+ years practicing acupuncture and specializing in women's health. She talked to you, Peach, and said she felt confident that you would listen to us, to her, to the energy shifted by the needles. Dr. Pei spent more time relating to you, Peach, than any of the doctors we've seen in 8 months. This was heartening in that she is such a kind and attuned practitioner, and disheartening in that I've seen doctors and nurses regularly for months and they have rarely (ever?) touched my belly to try to get a sense of where you are in there and what you might be doing. The doctors are interested in those same questions, but their way of finding you is via machines--a doppler, an ultrasound. Dr. Pei likes you, Peach. She also thinks you are large, but that's a story for another day. Large is OK by me anyway.

Peach, let's listen to Dr. Pei. Cesarean deliveries have been linked with more respiratory problems in newborns. And more colic. There are other ways that it scares me, Peach. It is a major abdominal surgery that will make our first few months together more challenging in many ways. It scares me to think about what a sudden way it is to enter the world--to be simply plucked out of your environment without warning, without the long slow process of labor that would by its very nature allow you time for transition.

Peach, I would like us to labor together. Heck, maybe we'll even labor together if you decide *not* to put your head down. Maybe we'll contact one of those 2 doctors who will deliver breech babies. Mark and I will definitely have to empty our savings account to do that, but it may be worth it to choose a more slow and deliberate entry for you into this world. We'll keep talking about it, you and Mark and I.

Ok, head down.

Maternity Photos

A few weeks ago, a fabulous artist-mama came over and took maternity photos. We did a "swap"---she took pictures and didn't charge me anything for them except my permission to use them as templates for her paintings. Thank you, Jessica! She is working on a project on bodies and motherhood. Here is her website and here are some of the photos.

http://www.jkampstudio.com/Therewas.html

No wonder I have a pulled back muscle!

This little charm is a "milagro" given to us by dear friend Sarah Shepherd.  The milagro was meant to bring success to our efforts at conceiving a child. 

Dear Teacup!

Imagination and Experience

I do not sleep very well. And even though I had very little nausea that is more typical of the first trimester, I'm getting a bit of that now--partly because of the fact that there is very little room left for my digestive organs to do their usual job! I am moving slowly, very slowly. I have a pulled muscle in my mid-back---not sure how it happened except that I am 32 weeks pregnant and it is really quite a feat just to roll over in bed. Wow, this is hard work. 

It amazes me the difference between imagination and experience. My imagination did a lot to prepare me for pregnancy. I imagined what it would be like to see my body change, to dream with Mark about our next chapter in life as parents, to feel all of the possible joys and "symptoms" of pregnancy. But it could not prepare me for this final leg of the journey. For a couple days now, I have occasionally felt like crying, and have cried, because I'm not sure how to keep going with my back feeling like this. In my work as an in-home therapist, I am on the go all day long--in and out of people's homes all day, in and out of the car, playing on the floor with infants, sitting down and getting up off of all variety of people's couches. And at least for now, it doesn't feel like an option to stop doing these things. As much as my imagination took me to a certain place in preparing for pregnancy, it did not and it cannot even touch on the reality of the actual experience. If imagination could accurately capture what truly IS, would any of us do ANYthing of real effort, substance, trial? Would I have run all those miles, sometimes so exhilarating, sometimes so full of pain? Would I have embarked on this marriage, sometimes the sweetest nectar, sometimes the most difficult and tedious endeavor? Would I have gotten pregnant, so very mysterious and fascinating and expansive, and yet so very terrifying and downright uncomfortable?

I think I feel a big old metaphor staring me in the face. Slow down. Do less. Let go. It's not about you anymore, Melissa. Have I learned this in my 38 years on this planet yet? Will I learn it as a parent in time to savor Peach's joys, triumphs, and trials of any given moment----all but a moment before she is on to the next step? Slow down. Do less. Let go. It's not about you anymore, Melissa. Can I slow down as this state of pregnancy is asking me to do? Can I do less as this state of pregnancy is asking me to do? Can I let go, as this state of pregnancy is asking me to do? Mark and I are both very happy with the fact that it feels as though our lives are going to shift away from a focus on ourselves to a focus on Peach and on life as a family. Yes, we can do this. Melissa and Mark, it's not about you anymore. Yes, we can do this. 

Peach, 8 weeks feels so soon and it also feels very very far away. We are going to meet face to face. I have the imagination to have countless ideas about what you might be like, what our lives together might be like. But I do not have the experience of it. Imagination and experience. This aching pulled muscle in my back tells me that you and Mark and I are all in for a ride with unexpected twists and turns, that our lives will unfold beyond the capability of my imagination. I have both faith and fear all in one immense swirl of dreams. Faith or fear? Which side of the room do I find myself in---faith or fear? Mostly faith, mostly faith. 

Peach, I adore you. I adore your what-feels-like constant tumblings around in my abdomen. Mark thinks you are playing jumprope with your umbillical cord. I adore singing to you, "You shall come out with joy and be led forth in peace. The mountains and the hills will break forth before you. There'll be shouts of joy and all of the trees of the field, will clap, will clap their hands. And the trees of the field will clap their hands. The trees of the field will clap their hands. The trees of the field will clap their hands. And you'll come out with joy." Mark and I will be teaching this song to Sutay and Lisa, our "Team Peach" labor team so that we can all sing it together when you "come out with joy". 

Peach, Teacup adores you, too. I have no doubt that there is a connection between the two of you already. Teacup has never so consistently wanted to lie with her head pressed up against my belly where you bounce around. If Teacup lives to see your birth, I'm confident that you and she will resonate on an important "somatic experience" level. I will close with a picture of the two of you together.  

Melissa, Peach, and Teacup.

Melissa, Peach, and Teacup.

Full Term Couple

Good morning, Peach.

Papa and I took a childbirth class this weekend at Good Samaritan Hosptial where you are going to be born. Now Papa knows the "stages of labor' and how to best support you and I as we birth you.

I had been looking forward to the class---mostly because I hoped that it would give Papa and I a shared experience that would bring us closer together in this pregnancy journey we're in. And I got what I wanted this weekend. I am happy. Estoy embarazado y soy feliz.

For months now, I've been continually making peace with the fact that pregnancy is very different for each partner. I am pregnant and I think about it and feel it constantly. Constantly! And as much as Papa is very present and interested in this process, his connection to it has been just different than mine. Just different. 


I have had moments of wanting Mark to understand how very important it feels to me to have as little medical intervention in your birth, Peach,  as possible-----do you know how much epidurals interfere with the process of labor?----do you understand that if I have to be induced into labor that my chances of having a C-section go up tremendously?----do you get it that one medical intervention seems to just lead to another and that going in with a lot of knowledge and a strong stance are really important??? 


I have had moments of wanting Mark to think about what the day of labor is really going to be like and how much I feel that I will need him to be present to help me through this ritual---will you be able to set aside your studying if Peach arrives during law school finals?----do you realize that labor can last for hours and hours and that it feels so important to me to create a covenant of support and privacy and love to get us through it?-----are you ready for this passage through this veil of determination, fear, and love?----do you know how much I am looking forward to this monumental event and how much I will need you?


I have had moments of just wanting Papa to feel the magic of this pregnancy the way I do every single day-----Papa, you've only felt Peach "kick" a few times---do you understand how profound this feels to a Mama who walks around with those kicks 24/7?----do you have any idea how it feels to well up with tears every time I sit at work and counsel these other mamas and their tiny babies?-----are you ready for how just plain crazy it's going to be when I push Peach out of my abdomen into the world?

And, what a sigh of relief and love and gratitude I feel today. Estoy embarazado y soy feliz. Papa gets it. Papa's ready. Going to this class together this weekend was the perfect 12 hour "fast track" of information and reflection to get Mark a good dose of all of the information I have been swimming in for months now. Fear not, Peach. Fear not, Mama. Papa is ready. We are two lucky lucky gals. Papa is pretty amazing. Yep, good thing the teacher of our class took a few minutes to turn the lights on after the birthing videos---it gave Papa time to dry his weepy eyes. Papa is ready. I trust him to be fully open and present to the miracle of bringing you into this world, Peach. Papa is ready for this ritual. He understands how important it is to avoid medical intervention---for Mama's health and for Peach's (narcotics pass through the placenta in their full dose, epidurals pass through the placenta in a minimum of 30% of people, induced contractions come much stronger than natural ones and put a lot of stress on babies). He even got to feel you move around more, Peach, since he and I were sitting side by side in the classroom for hours and hours and I could put his hand on my belly when you decided it was time to have a dance party. Huge smiles from Papa as he realized just how much and how often you are bouncing 'round the womb. Papa is ready. When the teacher took time to talk about taking care of the marriage when the baby comes around, Mark and I agreed that we could be part of that small percentage---only 30%----of couples who say that their relationship is stronger and richer after the arrival of the baby. Most couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction. Papa and I feel ready. We've been through some rough spots already in our 17 years and we have some pretty good skills for keeping things sweet. We are good friends. Peach, I feel so happy to think of bringing you into this world with my relationship with your Papa as the container. Papa and I are not, what Birthing From Within calls a "premature couple". The author talks about how a premature baby is probably going to do pretty well in the world---there's plenty we can do medically and plenty we can do with physical and occupational therapy to help that premature baby along. Premature couples are tougher to assist---coming too soon or coming unprepared to the task of raising an infant can be very hard on couples. Honestly, Peach, I believe your Papa and I are ready. And don't get me wrong--I do not think it will be easy and I do not think we won't feel overwhelmed or discouraged at times. But we're a "full-term" couple. Most of all we are good friends.

Papa Mark on the top of the first Flatiron.

Miles to Motherhood

So much to say, Peach.

You are bouncing 'round the womb a lot as I sit at the computer. Having fun I hope!

We are embarking on the third trimester. Lots of folks say that the second trimester is the blissful part of pregnancy and that the third, well, that things just get more and more uncomfortable--for both of us. For me, tying my shoes is getting more and more *interesting*. For you, Peach, I suppose it must be a strange experience to keep growing to the point of not being able to fit in your living quarters. However, I hope it is, as I imagine, warm and safe.

I have been very tired lately. I strongly dislike choosing between sleep and exercise. I want it all. Yet, more than once this week I chose sleep over exercise. And the sleep isn't even all that good. With sleep eluding me, I've had some faltering moments. A moment or two of feeling a little sad, a little overwhelmed. Everyone says that the sleep deprivation of tending a newborn is beyond comprehension. However, I might actually comprehend it, having had pretty severe insomnia at times in the past few years. And now, my poor sleep is not really insomnia in the way I used to know it--but my sleep is just not happening. This big belly seems to pull on me in unusual ways, making for lots of neck and shoulder stiffness. Alas, am I complaining? Jeez, I don't want to complain. Peach, I'm so glad you are here! I don't really mind when what wakes me up is the fact my bladder is getting squished out of the way because of your presence! What to say? I am tired tired tired. But not tired of imagining meeting you, Peach.

As I have felt my way into this recent tiredness and recent neck ache and shoulder ache, I am reminded of my days of being a "miler". It's remarkable to me that I have not run what I would consider fast in years and years now, and yet I am often still buoyed by metaphors and lessons I learned when running was my bread and water. So, I am reminded of this idea that the third quarter of the mile is farther from the finish line than the first. In mathematical terms, this is impossible. But from the psyche of anyone who has run hard, anyone who has lusted after a fast mile time, you know that when you are in the third quarter, the finish line can seem very very far away. If I am remembering right, I might have latched onto this idea from the novel Once a Runner...every miler knows the third quarter of the mile is farther from the finish line than the first....Well, Peach, this is a bit like the third quarter. I had a handful of different mantras, a few different mind-tricks, in those days of runner-hood. One mantra during races was to sing half a line from the James Taylor song Carolina in My Mind. I would just sing over and over "And I feel fine...", never getting to the "..anytime she's around me now..." Just "And I feel fine" over and over. In the middle of races or long runs, or track workouts. And I also remember, especially when racing the mile, telling myself I could do ANYTHING for 2-3 minutes--I could walk on coals for that long if I had to, so surely I can keep running fast for another 2-3 minutes, all the way through to the finish line, however far away. Surely I can keep my wits about me for another 11 weeks...I could do anything for 11 weeks if I had to....surely I will be able to breathe through a 90 second contraction...I could do anything for 90 seconds if I had to.....surely I can keep pushing until you arrive safely in mine and Mark's arms. Surely you are coming, Peach.

Here are a few pictures of Peach's slowly expanding home. 28 weeks and counting.