"Worry is the work of pregnancy," says this book. Phew. So I don't have to act like this is just pure happiness, bliss and joy? Good, because it's not.
And I have a lot of worries. The trick seems to be in how to be effective in one's worrying. In my efforts toward being effective, what I'm trying to do with my worries--with my life-- these days is to notice the worry, acknowledge it's existence, watch it float by, and conjure up some humor about that particular worry. Sometimes it helps me to exaggerate the worry as a way of finding the humor and finding some peace.
The worries of readiness...........
Am I ready for this? I sure as hell better be in some form of readiness because I'm 18 weeks along with (maybe) 22 to go before Peach pokes her little head out from between my legs--¡Hola, he llegado! ¿Está usted listo???
I am ready! I've wanted this for several years now and Mark and I did a lot of talking and (not talking) and walking and thinking and loving and (not loving) and struggling and questioning and coming...together...to...say...we...are...READY!
I am not ready! What if, what if, what if Peach has something terribly wrong with her? What if the scans, the screens, the ultrasounds have missed something and we're about to embark on a lifetime of caring for a somehow-very-intensively-needy-human?
I am ready! I am already absolutely accustomed to minimal sleep with many interruptions. I've learned to be at peace with frequent insomnia. And now that Teacup is in her later years, she's waking us up every few hours for something or another. No problem. Bring on the sleep deprivation!
I am not ready! What if, what if, what if I die in labor? It happens, you know.
I am ready! Oh boy, as a sensitive and compassionate human being, I already know too well the struggles and even sadness and hardship that children and infants bring in to people's lives. I see it, I feel it, I carry more than my own fair share of that emotional burden. And so what I will drink up even more than the more difficult side is the joyful side of all of this adventure--ready to laugh and be curious and make mistakes with my beloved Mark.
I am not ready! What if, what if, what if I gain 100 pounds during pregnancy like that story I heard, and I can never lose it, like other stories I've heard? This letting go of the body is a tough one for me. I'm scared of the change and the unknown.
I am ready! In her passing this summer, our dearest Glory Dog gave Mark and I very clear directions about how to love and be in the moment and live life with love and intention. She has been our guide and she will continue to be our guide. Peach will know Glory because of the lessons she has taught Mark and I that will make us more loving and deliberate parents.
So I will keep worrying, probably until I die. Hopefully effective worry, at least most of the time!
Here are some pictures of Glory Dog and the Mighty Teacup, the teachers of the parents, Melissa and Mark.
|Glory and Teacup winter 2009 at their retirement home in Boulder, CO.|
|The Glorious Dog.|
|The mighty mighty Teacup.|