Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It's complicated. Wanna get it right this time.

I love Poi Dog Pondering (http://www.platetectonicmusic.com/). Mark introduced me to them when we first met over 15 years ago. I think he'd discovered them with his old love Claire--who we are both still good friends with and who has been a light to both of us over the years. Poi Dog's song "Complicated" has intense meaning for me. Forever this song will bring to my mind an image of Mark on the bike trainer in the months following his accident--working out hard, with the hope that his bone would heal and he would be able to do the things that make him (and us!) feel most happy and alive---hike, rock-climb, ski. As he worked out on the trainer with Poi Dog blasting, I wondered what the future held for us. This accident had put the discussion of having children on an indefinite hold. That was very hard for me, yet we were also very much in the moment, healing and hoping and healing. Poi Dog's song "Complicated" also captures something about how I am sensing my way into parenthood--it may sound a bit oversimplified but how are these lyrics for summing up life?:

"...and I've f*cked up so many times in my life --
that I want to get it right this time...."

Hmmm, maybe you have to know and love Poi Dog to get it. Or maybe some of you out there haven't f*cked up like I have. Either way Poi Dog Pondering is worth a listen. And as for how it relates to how I am feeling these days at 22 weeks pregnant, here we go....

I think that becoming a parent probably provides the most profound opportunity for repair of the self that exists for us humans. I look at my own childhood, my own growing, my own moments of f*cking up, my own hurts. I think that becoming a parent provides a seismic opportunity for self-reflection and (hopefully) inspires a desire to make steps forward, to make change, to "get it right this time". And I know that getting it "right" is an illusion. Getting it "right" is not my goal. My goal is to be reflective and to be the best parent I can, knowing I will bring all of my imperfections to the job. And my perfections too! 

See, what I most hope for is to like Peach and to have Peach like me. I feel so very fortunate to really like my own mom and pop. And yet I know that this is not the case for plenty of families. And it has not been easy! I have not always liked my parents! Mom and pop, if you are reading this, please just chuckle---you know this is true! And it's not as if you always liked me either! It's "complicated", right? I was a pretty difficult middle and late adolescent--I'm pretty glad I didn't have to put up with me as a parent! But I like mom and pop now and we've come a long way together. And I enjoy these relationships that I have with them immensely. I hope that Peach and I will be friends along the way. I hope that both the ways that I have struggled and the ways that I have thrived will serve me in understanding Peach and the path she will take. 

OK, here are belly shots from 22 weeks and 5 days. This is while walking in the blizzard this week with Mommer and Popper in Amherst, Maine. 

Mommer and Popper

Frosty Belly

Frosty belly from the left

Frosty belly from the right

More frosty belly

 And here are the words to "Complicated" along with a mediocre video clip:



Wanna Get it right this time.
 Complicated is all right
 Complicated it's all right.
 Sorrow is an angel that comes to you in blue light
 and shows you what is wrong just to see if you'll set it right
 and I've fucked up so many times in my life --
 that I want to get it right this time.

 Complicated, it's all right.
 So tell me something someone and help me get it right,
 or hit me over the head, box me up and say good night.
 I can't stand to see myself go through the motions
 that bring me back into these same old sad emotions.

 Wanna get it right this time.

 what to get free with it
 (Tell me!)
 what to get free with it
 (Tell me!)
 what to get free with it
 (Tell me!)
 what to get free with it
 (Tell me!)

 Sometimes I get so afraid of life
 I'm not afraid of death
 I'm scared of going through this thing twice

 Wanna get it right this time
 Complicated it's all right

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