Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who am I?

Try to roll over in bed. Lots of pillows to rearrange to try to keep my back and hips from aching. It takes a few minutes. I'm winded! Jeez, really? Phew. And fabulous, I was only up three times tonight to pee. And once to eat some soup..... Talk to Mark about his intentions for himself and Peach. Feel teary......Kegels, kegels, kegels. Worry a bit (effective worry!) about all those stories of women who now pee themselves a little bit when they cough or sneeze because "they didn't do their kegels". Kegels! Stop the urine flow 8 times every time you go....OK! Got it. And while you're in line at the grocery store. And when you're brushing your teeth. And....just remember to do them........ Fall asleep on the couch with Teacup, ancient little critter. Think about how she and Peach are getting to spend this precious time "together", the three of us napping on the couch. Wonder if Teacup will be alive when Peach is born. Get weepy about how we all have to die. Let it go, let it go, Peach isn't even born yet........ Go to the gym. On the treadmill, my heart rate goes up so quickly at such a slow trot! Wait a minute, I was going to be an Olympic runner. Oh, yeah, that was 18 years ago. Wait a minute, who AM I? I'm a mama. A mama still addicted to hard cardio just like she was 18 years ago. Addicted but definitely not very fast. Laugh a my 13 minute per mile waddle. Ha. Catch a view of myself in the mirror. Wow, I think I'm really pregnant. This is no joke........At work, sitting in on a meeting and listen to a co-worker describe the emergency call she got last night from a mama in a violent relationship trying to protect her baby from the chaos. Tear up and wonder how we do this work. Sigh. Regulate myself by sitting up a little straighter and wiggling my toes........ Out hiking. I love the Mesa Trail. Whenever other hikers approach from the other direction, I find myself feeling my belly as if to say to them "I'm pregnant---really I'm not this fat---I'm pregnant." Body image issues? Alas, maybe. How many women make it through this life without some private highly individualized version of this? Think about how much I'm actually loving this strange body transformation even as I watch the scale to see if my gain is that preferred "gradual gain"........ Eat fish once a week. Peach is not vegetarian. Neither am I, obviously, for now. Wonder about raising a child vegetarian. I can do it. Wonder about raising a child sugar-free. This I am not sure I can do. It would be convenient to blame this on Mark but the reality is, it will be hard for me too. Little bit of worry....turns into.... sudden surge of overwhelm. What about flouride? What about immunizations? What about banking the umbilical cord? What about paying for college? What about global warming? Will Peach be angry at us that we are bringing her into a world that is so very very fragile and tumlutuous? Try to regulate myself with a smile. And wiggling my toes. And breathing...... Look up at the mountains that guide me daily. Feel grateful for the beauty of the earth and for the place where I live. Where Peach will live. And play and grow.......Singing. Singing to Peach. I know, that if she is developing according to plan, that she can hear me. Hi, Peach........Mark and I looking through The Mother of All Baby Name Books (Thanks, Jacqui!!!!). What will we call you, Peach? Peach is NOT in the book. Family members tell me that they will be calling  her Peach for life. Thinking that Peach will probably have my last name and have Mark's as a second middle name. Thinking about what is in a name. Peach, your name will be made of love, love, love......Breastfeeding. Stories in my head about bleeding nipples and disconnect. Stories about how luscious and joyous a relationship it creates. Stories in my head about feeling like a cow. Stories, stories, stories. We all have our stories. Wonder what mine will be. As much as possible, I choose love......Try to roll over in bed. Lots of pillows to rearrange......

Melissa and Teacup and Peach napping on couch.

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